The opening day release of the Barbie and Oppenheimer movies as told by a humble movie theater cashier.
Written by Alex chapman
THIS IS A SATIRICAL EXPOSE AND AN OPINION PIECE FROM MY SUMMER JOB.
It was just another warm summer day when I showed up to work on July 21, 2023. Little did I know that what was about to happen would be etched in the movie theater history books for years to come. There I stood with wide eyes as I saw the sea of clashing colors. Pink collided with drab black and white as the swarm of moviegoers clamored to enter the building. My upper jaw quivered as I witnessed history buffs to the left of me and people singing barbie girl in the most high-pitched voices I’ve ever heard in my life to the right of me. Here I was, stuck in the middle with the rest of my coworkers. As soon as I got onto a register the doors (which were more akin to floodgates) opened and we were instantly overwhelmed. My panic rose to its apex as our popcorn supply was rapidly dwindling. My brave colleagues were being drowned in the pink sea. My fingers typed rapidly on the screen of my register in a desperate bid to get out of this ordeal unscathed. I still remember those few brief moments of weakness where I thought that I would finally perish of boredom from countless tangents about Christopher Nolan and Ryan Gosling. I was able to persevere by the skin of my teeth. Finally, after the dust settled and the popcorn maker powered down, I finally looked out to the lobby for the first time. What I saw there was comparable to a barren wasteland. Across the lobby there were piles of popcorn bags, pink streamers, and fragments of broken barbie merchandise brought in by excited children. Normally this would be fine if I worked anywhere else but as you can probably tell I had no such luck. This is where we proceed to our final act in this chilling tale of survival….the cleanup. My battered and beaten crewmates and I stared in wide wonder at the mess of all messes that laid in front of us. I knew that we had to act immediately. As I went to the cleaning closet my wisdom teeth clenched, as I thought of all of the lives that were almost lost in the process, but I then thought of how we had all survived this cursed night and how the worst part was over. The cleanup was long and tedious but at the end of the day as I clocked off I knew that it had been worth it and that I had survived.