CHAPPY’S PAIN 4: SANTA SLANDER 

I sit down with famous anti-claus Krampus where he explains the many struggles and hardships of punishing all those naughty brats 

Written by Alex Chapman 

THIS IS A SATIRICAL EXPOSE AS WELL AS AN OPINION PIECE. PLEASE DON’T GET ON THE NAUGHTY LIST. 

A lot of us are aware of the many mascots of the Christmas season. The most famous among them is jolly old saint nick himself, Santa Claus. But what if I were to tell you of a secret holiday icon who doesn’t get enough recognition within the community. His name is Krampus and he has been punishing naughty children for centuries. He even wrote, directed, composed, and acted in his own hit blockbuster movie in 2015. Yet he still never receives any appreciation whatsoever and I personally believe this to be a terrible travesty. In hopes to remedy this, I invited Krampus to a quick sit-down interview. Here is how it went. 

Chappy: “Hello and thank you for taking a moment out of your busy schedule to do this interview.” 

Krampus: “The pleasure is all mine you puny mortal!” 

Chappy: “I’m just going to act like I didn’t hear that and move on.”  

Krampus: “Good” 

Chappy: “You get a lot of publicity due to your 2015 film Krampus. However, I’ve always wondered how true it was to life. Is most of what is in the film accurate?”   

Krampus: “Most of what you see in the film is real. We didn’t even have to use any special effects! One thing that wasn’t true to life was the elves. Now don’t get me wrong they are loyal henchmen, but they are such prima donnas! Every single day they would complain about how their makeup looked or how the set was too cold. It drove me to my wits end.” 

Chappy: “Could you tell me a bit about your origins for people who don’t know you that well?” 

Krampus: “Certainly! I first joined in the holidays season when I was picked up by Saint Nick. I was living in Germany at the time and Santa had run out of coal supply, so he called on me to punish all the little brats of the world. Eventually I had gained enough of a following to be brought along year-round and the rest is history.” 

Chappy: What do you have planned in terms of new punishments? 

Krampus: I have been on a world tour to gain supplies as of late and I am working on a rather large project that everyone will witness very soon. 

Chappy: Thank you for your time, Krampus and I am looking forward to your future projects.                                                     

 Krampus: Thank you! I am sure at least you would survive it.  

When asked to provide a second opinion on the matter, Santa Claus had this to say. “I swear if you come near me again, I’m calling the police!”  

After much thought on how little publicity Krampus gets this time of year, I decided to pull two Lenape tech students from their important activities to see if they have ever heard of Krampus and his methods. Brodie Lemmon had this to say, “I have heard of Krampus, and I think that taking children from their homes is wrong and against the law!” Clearly Mr. Lemmon has an extreme bias, and his words should be taken with a grain of salt. Seriously since when has kidnapping in the name of good child behavior wrong? An unbiased and non-slanderous journalist like me would know. Olivia Carney had this to say, “I think that he’s an evil evil man!” What is going on here? Am I the only one who wants those little brats to get what’s coming to them? This is ridiculous