April 18, 2024

Lenape Tech Times

The Monthly News Source from Lenape Technical School

CHAPPY’S PAIN 6: A VILE VALENTINE 

2 min read

I don’t really subscribe to the idea of cancel culture but… 

Written by Alex Chapman 

THIS IS A SATIRICAL EXPOSE AS WELL AS AN OPINION PIECE. I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU DIDN’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. 

Image result for valentine's dayNormally I am a non-confrontational person. I don’t try to get into any scuffles and usually I try to see both sides of the argument at hand. After all, I am an unbiased and incredibly unopinionated fellow who just wants to tell it like it is and have a good time while doing it. But when the rare occasion arises that I have to cover a serious topic, I have not hesitated in showing my full opinion whether it be disdain or appreciation. I will stick by this opinion to the bitter end and always stick up for what I believe in my heart to be right. With that said, I’m going to stop beating around the bush here and just tell the readers my argument now. Why, oh why is cupid still allowed to be the official mascot for the valentine’s day holiday when most of his actions throughout the decades have been super creepy and uncomfortable? Yes, I’m being absolutely serious here. Think about it. He only wears a diaper in public which last time I checked was against the law unless you were under the age of two. This bizarre attire is the least of my, and hopefully the readers, worries. He also is frequently seen with a bow and arrow which I would be fine with if he used it for maybe hunting. But our winged friend instead goes about just shooting arrows at random people which, need I remind everyone, is attempted murder! I don’t care how heart shaped those arrows appear to be. I’m still running for my life! But these are not any normal arrows because of course they aren’t. These are special arrows that, when shot through the heart, cause two people to fall in love. That may seem all wholesome until you realize that this happens without these two people’s consent! He can’t keep getting away with this! I have been accused of being a raving lunatic before but people have to see my point of view on this right?! I set out to do just that by interviewing two random people. Brodie Lemmon (ADT) says, “I think that it’s a little creepy how he does his job and people should fall in love on their own!” Mike Waugaman (ADT) says, “Boot him from the holiday union right now!” I’m glad that I finally was able to get through to some people after all this time. Thank you to the audience for hearing me out.  

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