A totally unbiased view of the secret war between the good and pure Thanksgiving and the evil menaces from the Christmas side!
Written by Alex Chapman
THIS IS A SATIRICAL EXPOSE AS WELL AS AN OPINION PIECE. PLEASE DON’T BECOME A CONSPIRACY THEORIST AFTER YOU READ THIS. I DON’T WANT TO GET SUED.
I’m sure that we are all aware of the Christmas season and the red and green decor, snow covered views, and present giving. I’m also sure that we are aware of the time-honored tradition of Thanksgiving where we eat our weight in turkey and then sleep through the rest of the holiday. But did you know about a very violent war between the two holidays that has been raging on in secret? Today I intend to expose the truth of this awful conflict and make the voices of the brave heroes of war known. This is, however, an unbiased article, so I will be telling both sides of the story here. We all need to learn to get over our personal prejudices and see both sides of the story. With that out of the way I may as well start with the history. It all started with the evil, tyrannical, no good, clear bad guys of the story the Christmas army. For decades they had dwelled in the North Pole in relative peace. They were already arguably the most popular holiday and had the most blind followers out of the bunch. They ruled media with an iron fist with multiple Christmas movies and holiday specials for preexisting shows. But for a holiday force that advertised that giving is better than greed, they sure were pretty power hungry and wanted to seize more power and land. This directly violated many holiday wartime conventions. They went (unopposed for some reason) on with their plot anyway and proceeded to invade other neighboring holidays. The first of these holidays to get invaded was the lovable, fantastic, amazing, clear good guys of the story the Thanksgiving army. Now the two holidays are embroiled in a battle for the ages and while Thanksgiving has received some equipment and financial support through the Halloween nation (which has been having its own problems with Christmas as of late) they have still been on the losing ends of most of the battles that have taken place. “It’s been a difficult time for all” said General Meleagris of the turkey division of the Thanksgiving army “any support helps and I thank you for bringing awareness to this war Chappy.” I said, “You’re welcome” and left the house with an inflated ego.
Now, because I am the most unbiased reporter to ever live I decided to visit the house of Colonel Kringle himself of the Christmas army to get his side of the story. He had this to say. “Get out of my house you slanderous fraud!” The restraining order finalizes next week. So as you can see, this conflict in this journalists unbiased opinion has gone on long enough and is causing a lot of unnecessary strife for Thanksgiving fans like me and the Christmas army needs to just knock it off already. This is Chappy signing off.